That's not the damn point.

Since My last entry I have paid the ticket and sort of excepted Chicago a tad been and been focusing on just trying be happy where I am at. That is until Yesterday. Daniella's job had started dicking her around when an issue came around with the building they are renting . The building has termites and is in need of being un-infested. so the café closed down. They have asked her to go and sell bread to local stores. Which is fine if she had a car. Had mentioned nothing of any kind of permanent job. So she decided just to go look for something else. Which is fine. I am looking for a part time night job. This state is shitty. I can't pay for everything working a fulltime job. I make just enough to pay all the bills and gas to work. Not including food.In the mean time I find out my job lost the contract for the state. So my days here are numbered.   I will work my ass off doing two jobs. It won't be the first time. That's not the damn point. I shouldn't have to work two jobs.


But for what? So I can stay in a play I don't want to fucking be. I am unhappy here. I really hate Chicago. I hate the suburbs even more. Fuck this shit. I don't know what to do. It's not easy to get a job anywhere. Even just some shit fast food job. I don't want to live here anymore. I am tired of doing shit I don't want to do with my life. One of them is living where I don't want to fucking live.

I have to make a plan and get off my ass.

Determination , self doubt , Fed up.

The Job at the desk has been going pretty well. I am a little bored with it to be honest. I am getting fat from sitting on my ass all the time. I went to a few Open mic/jams and play my guitar. No complaints front he people there. A few enjoyed it.

I got a ticket for wearing my headphones?!?! Wearing my headphone while driving. That's a bunch of horse shit. It's a 120 dollar ticket. This state is complete bullshit. I don't want to live here anymore. I don't like the area where I live. I don't like the city. The only thing I like about this place is the music and the Blues clubs-but to be honest that isn't enough. It's not fair for me to ask Daniella to up-root with current job. So far is has been going very well for her. She seams happy with it most of the time. She makes good money. I don't want to make her move and then us end up poor and her be un happy. I really don't like it here. I don't want to go back to Kentucky. 

I would love to go back to L.A. Maybe there is some where I would like better? I don't know. I look at photo's of L.A. and see people out there and I miss the place. Maybe I am one of those people that won't be happy no matter what I do?

Sweet Home Chicago.

Today is February 14th 2014. I had my 31st birthday last week. I am in a lot better situation then I was last time I wrote anything. I was staying in hotels and at my grandmas with Daniella off and on until October 2nd when I moved with her to Chicago. We stayed with her mom up Until January 1st. We have our own apartment and are both working. I started at Tony's finer food as a security guard. I got stiffed on ours from what I presume to be a racist supervisor because I am white. So I quit and got a job as a dish bitch at Fogo De Chao. I worked there a few months and had enough when I was working with this Black guy named Kevin who was an asshole. I now currently work at Applus as a Senior call center rep. Its really easy and boring. I have about 6 guitar snow. They are all really good.  I have been playing a ton and I have been writing a lot.

I went to a blues jam at B.L.U.E.S.  On Halsted. I had a chance to get up and play with some Legitimate old school bluesman. I failed. I didn't do it. I chickened out. You have no idea how angry I was at myself......



Chicago isn't bad. It has it good things and bad things like everything else. I live out in the suburbs. The downstairs neighbors are angry Polish people . Always beating the floor and walls and shit saying I make to much noise. Fuckem. I wanted to live in the city but shit happens. I only live about 8 minutes from the city limits though. It's not that I hate or dislike Chicago. I don't I would probably like it much better if I lived in the city, but I don't. Daniella has a really good job making good money and like most times in my life, I don't. Like I said I don't hate Chicago. I just miss living in Los Angeles. But with her job it would be stupid to move out there.

I have tried like to hell get some people together for a band here. I have tried three different genres of music even. I can't get shit going.

I miss my family back home. I really miss my dad. I haven't seen spoken or heard his voice since November 2009. I have been through so much since 2008. I know it all happened to prepare me or give me something to pull form or something. How do I use it if I can't even get on the stage and play the guitar in front of people. Much less sing.

I don't know. I sit at a desk 5 or 6 days a week on a computer so I will update this more with thoughts and what ever else.

Its been too long.

It's been far too long since I have made a blog entry. I changed the name of this blog too.  It has changed a bit form what It once was supposed to be. I don't think anyone reads this anymore. That really doesn't matter. It is more for me than anyone else anyway. As I sit here in Barnes and Noble I am sick to my stomach.  My heart hearts right now. Your family can hit you, punch you , put you in jail , or stab you..... None of that ever hurts more than some vibrations of a vocal cord mixed with breath from the lungs going up the throw over the tongue past some teeth and turning into words.

My last entry was November 2011... So let's start from there. The only thing I remember of the last 2 months of 2011 is Christmas time. My Uncle Roger riggs and My Grandpa Charles Jackson was there. My aunt Patty Bruce , Charlotte Jackson and My mom Sharon Johnson and Grandma Marie Pridde were there too. My sister Spring Robinson and her three kids Jayden , Tristen and Deyonte. (she has four now, she has a daughter named Malaysia)My cousins Mitzi Skaggs Her husband Wendall and their kids. My Cousin Josh Jewel with his Wife and their kids. Cousins Tj Linton , Matt Linton , Summer Shelton , Katrina ( Can't remember he last name now) and her Husband Randy with their kid. I drove grandma from her house. It was probably the first ever Christmas gathering with grandma and grandpa and everyone there.  While i was in the bedroom with Wendall playing guitar a fight slash argument happened between my Aunt Patty my Sister and my aunt Charlotte. My Grandpa and mom got involved as well. Because Neither of them know how to shut there mouths nor walk away from anything. They are always int he middle of the commotion and its NEVER their fault. Always someone else. I cam out of the room from hearing what was going on and saw my Sister trying to get out the door with her kids. Both my Mom and my grandpa were trying to stop her from going and trying to get a last hug and kiss from my nephews. (which mom always does when her and my sister argue which is quite frequent and now I know where she gets it from) So i got to the door with Wendell and told grandpa "Just let her go and this will be over this is what always happens" Apparently I pissed him off. He grabbed for me , Over my sister holding a baby I might add, and grabbed my shirt and ripped open the snap buttons. I didn't say a word to him. Wendell grabbed me and told me to calm down. I said " Get your damn hands off of me I am calm" . To make a long story short Grandpa threatened to shoot everyone , mom ended up punching him , he kept trying to provoke me into fighting him ) I told him he was fucking crazy). My Charlotte came between me and him and told him to stop that he was crazy. My mom and My Aunt Charlotte as well as my sister get their retarded ass behavior from My Grandpa. So As well as being black listed from my dads family and being guilty by association I am black listed from my moms side. Except for my grandma my sister her kids and mom.

In March of 2012 I started working at Wendy's as a grill cook. I got the job from a friend's ( at the time)
sister that was a manager there. I worked there from March until December. My plans were initially to move to Chicago and get into music and theater. Nothing really significant happened while working at Wendy's in or 2012 just playing ym guitar and writing until November 2012. Daniella , a girl I had know since 2009 , moved down here from Chicago. We basically started dating the day she got there. Mom and my sister had been arguing the whole year of 2012 . Like they always do off and on. Its just a shitty vicious cycle that I always get dragged into.
December 2012 My mom Daniella and I started moving out of my sister's house and to a Trailer closer to Elizabethtown. Mom didn't tell my sister we were moving out. That started even more shit. But there are entirely too many times my sister got pissed off and told us to move out. When we got into the trailer in Glendale all the bullshit started with my mom. She is the most intolerant person I know. It something isn't her way, some one is different and does thing's different she is an ass about it. She started making comments and being a dick about things. All the way down to the way Daniella washed the dishes and her own clothes. Doing all this asshole shit behind my back and acting like she didn't do anything. From what I remember when I was little all mom did was throw everything colored whites what ever in the washer and just wash it. She didn't shit and put everything together in the dryer to. That,s why I started doing my laundry when I was 13. Daniella got a job from my sister at Subway. My sister went on maternity leave and they ended up pushing Daniella out. Probably because the assistant manager didn't like my sister and my sister and Daniella were friends. I didn't work much between February and April. I hurt my ankle and couldn't work at O' Charleys and ended up not going back. The comments and bullshit form my mom just kept getting worse. I got a new job at Brantley Security at the UPS Hub Airport. My first day was April 6. I went to work that morning and my mom waiting until I left. Started a bunch of shit with Daniella. She talked a bunch of shit on the phone where Daniella could hear it trying to provoke her. It Didn't work so my kept asking her what was wrong and started an argument with her. Daniella Locked the door . Mom called over her bull dyke friend Diane. They kicked in my bedroom door and began to physically remove Daniella from the trailer. They put her stuff in Diane's truck and was going to take her somewhere before I got back from work. I got texts form my mom , my sister and Daniella . Mom's text telling me a bunch of bullshit. I have been places where something happens and saw it with my own eyes and her tell a completely different story of what happened. I got off work and went to the trailer to pack my stuff and leave. Mom kept texting me and bother me. I kept telling her goodbye and to leave me alone. I quit answering her texts . So she came back to the house and started with me there since I ignored her. We argued and got into a scuffle she kept kitting me and jumping on my and I eventually threw her off of my twice. She smacked me and I told her " Stop fucking hitting me, I am not Gary McMillen or Greg Johnson Sr , I won't fucking take it, " She kept threatening to call the cops and put me in jail. She eventually left after starting this whole mess of shit. I packed my stuff and I left. She ended up going to karaoke. The cops ended up there and she went to the station and put an EPO our on me and the police filed Assault 4th charges on me. I ended up getting arrested spending a day in Jail. I am on 2 years probation.  I have to pay court costs , a lawyer , plus go to Anger management and family therapy with her. My sister and her both got in arguments with my grandma after all this happened. The anger management therapist said I don't have an anger problem. He said my problem is my family's destructive behavior.  Its a huge dirty vicious cycle. Yesterday 6/06/2013 my sister picked up my girlfriend form work. It's my nephews birthday. Daniella picked up Jayden a 25 dollar I Tunes card because my sister got him an IPod. Apparently that's not good enough. Daniella said money is a little tight. Which it is. I am living in a Hotel with no Kitchen So I am eating out more than I would like. My sister said if you didn't eat out everyday you wouldn't have money problems. Telling her how Daniella and I should be living and eating. It's no ones  business where I live or what the hell I eat. It pissed my sister off that Daniella told me. Mom asked me to help her move some stuff. She moved to anpartment out of the trailer. I told her not today because I wasn't in a good mood because I was tired of people telling me how to live and where to eat . She told my sister. My sister started a huge argument with me and Daniella. Told me she was going to beat Daniella up and Told me how she really felt about me. That I was a bum. I won't ever amount to shit and I'll be a dirt bag the rest of my life.


I am done.  I'm not doing this shit anymore. I am not being involved in all this garbage that happens all the time.

 I am moving back to Los Angeles when all this therapy shit is over. I was mentally , financially and physically better than I had ever been in my whole life. I am done with this state. I am done with all this crap and family garbage. I have no family. My family is the people i decide to let be around me. I'm done. I'll probably change my damn name too.

I am going to try and do an entry every week or so. I want to keep a record of everything for myself.

Wow

Well it has been almost a year since I have written anything. I would like to start doing a weekly Blog from Now on.
Well .... December 2010 I started working at UPA a utility company that installs water gas and electrical meters. I was making 22 bucks an hour. That was the awesome part. It wasn't easy at all, but twas nothing i could not handle. Thanksgiving and Christmas were pretty lonely last year. I started playing guitar again in july. I had an acoustic bass too but i had to sell the bass because Securitas wasn't paying me enough and i was starving. I was a serial killer in a short film with Christine and some of her friends. It was really fun. I don;t have a copy of it anymore my computer crashed. I had emailed Jeremiah to see if he could upload it again and he said yes but it never happened. No biggy.
January was more work and no play. Nothing memorable happened. February was my birthday. I went and got drunk at a hole in the wall on Hollywood Blvd. I went home around valentines day to visit for 2 days. Was great seeing my family. I decided on the way back on a plane ( my first plane right to be exact) that i was moving back home and headed to New York. I honestly Hate and still do hate Los Angeles. I won't ever move back there unless i absolutely have too. I worked at the water meter place up until March 31. I spent the last Thursday night at Christine's birthday party. It was fun. Shes a very spunky drunk. I woke up very early the next day. I slept in my car. I said my goodbyes to L.A. and started driving east. I was about 40 minutes into Arizona when mom called me and told em my dad has passed away. Now as I am typing this I am tearing up. But when she told me honest to god I could have no cared less. I felt like such an ass for not feeling anything. I didn't know how i was supposed to feel. Now let me remind you my father had not been much of a father. He was close to being non existent in my life. My Mom and grandma had raised me. The further I got down the road the worse i got i had to pull off the side of the road i was crying so hard. I just kept thinking you bastard how can you just die and leave me feeling like this and having too many un answered questions. Hes gone thats it. I had a rough 2 day drive back home. I stopped in Amarillo texas and slept at a best western then woke up and drove the rest of the way home. I drove until about 2am sunday morning. My aunt pam and Aunt shelia had lied to the courts and the hospital and told them they could not get a hold of me. Pam had saw mom a few days after dad went into the hospital and she knew moms number, mom told me dad was in the hospital. I thought I will be driving home next friday I will go see him then, I am a dumbass i should have called him. To make a short story out of it they had cremated dad and taken possession of all his belongings and lied to the court system. I never got to say goodbye to my dad. His ashes are in a wooden earn my grandpa made. He left me 25 debt infested acres and some burnt photos.

I moved in with my mom and my grandpa in Bonnieville, Ky. I had quite a bit of money saved up and was still driving the 98 Crown vic. My intentions were to leave within a couple months after dads stuff got straitened out. Well here is where it started going down hill. I was driving back from the court house in Larue County to Elizabethtown when some dumb ass lady pulled out in front of me and completely totaled my car. My poor nephew got his face burnt from the airbag. SO now i was car less. I did get money for it and got a new car. Well mom and I moved into my sisters house while she moved to Etown. I was doign a matress demo in Bowling Green when the engine in my blazer proceeds to go bad. There I am car less again. All the money I had was spent on taking care of things for dad and driving around trying to find a job. So now I am stuck in Ky with no car and no job.

My dog whom i Love more than anything got lose and some one shot and killed him. I love that dog, He was there when everyone else was gone. I wish i could find a woman to love me like my dog did.

In the mean time I did buy a guitar and an amp. I am playing guitar more and more than ever. It's not like i have anything else to do.

I simply don't understand woman. I have a friend I have went on ONE official date with. I won;t lie i do have feeling for her. She has a house and two kids. I met her In 2009. We have kept talking and in contact up until November this year. She knew I was moving back to KY and moving away. I had planned on going to NY but I got an agent located in Chicago. Alot fo great actors started in Chicago. So I am headed there. I will probably have to end up being in Ny eventually. Any here knowing all this kept pushing the issue of her and I. Well she got mad and won't talk to me anymore. I fuckin give up.

Now we are pretty much caught up to the current Month. I got an engine for my blazer. I put the engine in working my ass off int he cold and rain. I got to drive it and the brake line breaks. NO big deal easy Fix. I fix that then drive it and a transmission line has a hole it it. So i fix that. I drive to the gas station to air up the tires and wam bam thank you mother fucker the water pump snaps off the fank and pully and shots it through he hood and the radiator and blows a head gasket. What in the hell man. So to make a long story short ever since the morning I left LA everything has went wrong. I mean everything. I have a job finally. I will be in Chicago by The beginning of January. Nothing has all worked out. This is just a bunch of bullshit of how hard and shitty its been.

I am pulling the heads off of my blazer and putting some heads and new gaskets on it. I work friday sat and sunday 530 pm to 430 am. Monday I am gonna start on the blazer. It is about 2 AM right now. Regardless if the blazer is fixed or not January I will ride a damn bus if i have to. I have no future here in KY. I gotta get to Chicago.

Since I got back I don't have as many friends as I did. I know in the past year I have grown and became different. I dress differently. I have long hair now.


Well I hope i can remember to write this thing every week.

Lonely

Some times i feel like a huge loser. I really don't have any friends here. When i don't work i sit in my room watching tv or on my my computer. Sometimes i sit a Starbucks on hollywood blvd. I work at a night club on Hollywood and Highland. It is called the Highlands. I wear a black suit and its pretty sweet. When fights break out we are supposed to intervene and throw them out. There are alot of other dudes there its pretty cool.

I need to start working out again. Im not gonna worry about lifting weights im gonna just do alot of cardio. blah blah blah im depressed...................................

Melrose and Western.

Since my last entry I became friends with a guy named Jared. He is a writer from Wisconsin. Hes a pretty cool guy. I bought an acoustic bass and began playing again. I lived in the crazy house until the end of October. I had to get out of there. There was a nerdy guy named Joel that liked to talk shit. I told him a few choice words. Then i left a week or so later. I live in a basement apartment near melrose and western on melrose. Its my own room atleast. I share the place with an older women , some wierd guy and two gay dues. The gay dudes are an item. September 28 i filmed my first Big tv thing. I was on an experiment of Dr Phil. I played a perp who allegedly broken into a sound stage. With another guy who played a security guard. We walked up to a few chosen people to see who would taze me. It was pretty cool. I got free food and coffee and stuff when i got there. It aired on National tv Oct 25. I'm stilling working at Securitas at Universal Studios. It has slowed down very much. Im not getting many hours. I got a part time job at a Korean night club. I worked one night. It was pretty cool. I got called yesterday by The Highlands Hollywood. Its a nightclub in hollywood. I got hired as bouncer. I get to wear a suit and tie. I am looking forward to it. I miss my dogs alot. I feel like i abandoned them. I hope i can get them moved out here soon. I miss grandma and mom my sister and my nephews.. I really never thought i would say this but i really really. I can not wait to go back and visit E-town. Since being here by myself ive been getting depressed some. I go to movies and do a lot of things by myself. Its been a little hard making friends here. That's my fault thought , I'm now very good at making friends. I don't to the friends I had back home very much. I call and they called and i call and they quit calling. I don't know. I wish i could join a gym. I would feel so much better working out like i used to. I miss working with Chris and Olymco alot. I have alot of really good memory's there. Chris helped me out alot over the years. I will return the favor when i can. After all that's what friends do. The hard part in all of this is finding steady work and not starving. I lived in my car for a week so i could save the money to get into this new room. I just gotta keep on keepin' on.......................